I hope this post will inspire you to be more supportive of those that struggle with mental illness, or to inspire you to take steps in your own life to get help if you are struggling. This is a post I shared on Facebook, where hundreds of commenters felt inspired to share their own story and send me private messages thanking me. Click the share button to help spread awareness, and stop the stigma of mental illness.
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I prepped myself for a few weeks. I knew what I had to do as I made the appointment with my doctor. I had been in therapy for almost a year. It was helping, but it wasn’t. I knew I needed that pill.
I felt numb as I went through the motions to get it. It felt like an out of body experience to mutter those words anxiety and depression to my doctor. I half-way listened as the pharmacist talked to me about side effects and how to take it and when. I knew the drill. I had been here before. I knew I needed it, but I didn’t want it.
I brought the bottle home, and I left it on the counter. Every time I walked by that bottle the rest of the day, it was looming like an admission of failure. I needed that antidepressant because I wasn’t able to conquer my anxiety alone. I was feeling depressed also which wasn’t a normal thing for me. I told myself I’d take it in the morning, hoping the morning wouldn’t come for about a million years.
When I woke up the next day, I stared at that bottle. I only felt a slight sense of hope as I debated.
Maybe I’m fine.
I’m not doing that bad am I?
Why can’t I do this alone? I’m trying so hard.
It’s not fair.
I felt a wave of emotions. Anger that I have to do this. Frustration that I can’t do it alone. Sadness that I’m not living my best life. Tired. SO tired.
After staring at that bottle for what seemed like eternity, I took the pill.
I tried not to think about it until about an hour later when I was nauseous and dizzy, and forced back to bed. I must be getting sick.
Then I remembered. Oh yeah. The pill. I took it.
I regretted it instantly.
I felt horrible for the next three days. Dizzy, and nauseous, and anxious about whether or not I made the right choice. Day after day, I took the pill. I felt like a robot taking it even though I didn’t want to. I felt like a failure.
I felt like I had finally admitted defeat.
But, here I am, three months later, and I’m feeling better. I feel stronger and hopeful, and happier most days. I feel like I’m calmer, and a better mom. I feel proud of the fact that I obviously made the right choice.
I realize now that taking that pill wasn’t admitting defeat at all. It was admitting I am brave. I was strong when I didn’t feel like I had any strength. It was admitting that it’s OK to need help. To be different. To fight for a better life. Taking that pill was not an admission of defeat. It was an admission that I am willing.
Willing to do what is right for me. Willing to fight for myself and my family. Willing to do hard things.
I haven’t spoken about my struggles with anxiety and depression for a couple of years for many reasons. I felt judged a few years ago by being so open about it, but I am tired of being silenced by fear. I’m tired of being worried about judgment. I want to stand up, and tell everyone that I’m brave for taking that pill. Strong. And, fighting a battle no one can see. It’s not an easy fix, a pill. It was anything but easy to make that decision.
But, I took the pill. And, I take it everyday without shame now.
And, I’m stronger because of it.
Thanks for sharing your struggles! I’ve been on medicine for more than twenty years. I’ve tried a few times to go off it and it is not pretty. I always felt like a failure that I had to go back on it. But my life, and those of everyone around me, is sooooo much better when I take my pill!
Thanks Lara. And, thanks for being such a big supporter of my blog. It always makes me happy when I see a comment from you. xx
Good for you. Asking for and accepting help is one of the bravest things any of us can do.
Thank you. I really appreciate that!
I’m so happy you posted this – I feel the same way about the pill. It feels like a failing for some reason.
Thanks for sharing this. My first try with Zoloft about ten years ago was a bust. The doc started me on too high a dose, with the result that I felt like I got hit by a truck. A few years ago I tried again and started low and built up. Works well. Congratulations for sticking with it.
It’s always a tricky battle to figure out which med will work the best. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve put off taking care of myself for far too long & your posts lately have helped me finally schedule that appointment to get back on track.
Here’s to the dream of finally having enough energy and patience to make it through a day & be able to call it a good day.
I needed that. I am a new mom and feel awful that I need depression meds, but I do.
Hi there. I responded to this post when you put it on Facebook. It really brought light to the stigma of meds, mom’s struggling with going and asking for help and then actually receiving help. It also brought up a point that it is something a lot of us mom’s struggle with and are afraid to go public with it. Your post was inspiring. I am currently struggling with my meds. I just can’t bring myself to take them. Anxiety, fear, about the side effects. But this post has stuck with me. For some reason. Perhaps God put this in front of me at this very time because I needed to read this. I have a blog that I just started writing in again. I was wondering if I could share this story or perhaps put a link on my blog to your page? You are encouraging and I think a lot of mom’s and women need to realize that they are not the only ones going through these situations. Keep in doing what you’re doing. I love your Facebook page. It is refreshing, funny, relatable, and so true.
I’d love if you’d do a link back to my post. I’m so glad it helped you and that it is inspiring you to share with others, too. It’s something that so many women have reached out to me about. I love that! We NEED to talk about this more, obviously.
me encantaron esas palabras, inspirador y realista. Pasé por lo mismo al momento de medicarme, fue la mejor decisión.
The 1st day I took my pill I cried over the phone to my mom for an hour. It was so hard to come to realize that this was a new beginning. To this day I take my pills, day after day. Some days I feel amazing others I feel like a robot. The one thing I do know is that I am getting better and it’s a slow journey. It has been a year that I asked for help.
Thanks for sharing Sarah. It is definitely not an easy decision! I hope you’re feeling better. xx
Whats even worse is admiting the defeat u did about needing the pill and taking it for 2 weeks and the side effects being so severe when u call ur doctor about it cuse ur scared to drive while on them at this point and he after listening to u immediately takes u off them and brings u in for another visit. I was all about i just have to take a pill every morning to not feel like the worlds going to collapse on me its like a magic pill, if it can make me better im all game. The pill i was put on was one no for side effects to happen usually its the most taken antidepressants ever. But i had a horrible reaction. And the dr. Put me on cbd instead and its been amazing but its so sad the cost difference its outstanding. The pills with coverage $10 for one month. My cbd isnt covered so its $180 just for 1 month. It makes me feel just like u do on the pill but it cost me so much more…
I’m so glad you’ve found something that works. I’m sorry it costs so much. Big hug.
I just saw this & I love this post & you. I’ve been taking two different kinds together since I was 12. Trying so hard to get off of them but this makes me feel a little better about taking them (:
Naomi, you’re so sweet. Love you too girl. No shame in doing what you need to live a full and happy life. xoxo
I too know about stopping and starting the pill regime.
I am now in my sixties and taking care of 3 grandchildren so that their mom/custodial aunt works. I had been off my meds due to loss of job and insurance. I now am on social security and Medicaid so can once again get my medication.
I need it, they dederve to have the understanding, patient, ready to partake of daily life Neno they are use to. Not this emotional, angry, crying crazy lady..
Thank you for knowing how to tell our story..mothers of mothers..
Thanks for commenting Carol. it means a lot. I hope you can find some peace for you and those grand babies. 🙂
I absoulty love your blog, and I’m so very grateful I ran into your story of ” Anxiety despite a Full House of blessings” I couldn’t get myself to admit I needed help, I have everything and I’m truly happy so why am I fighting a battle with myself and taking it out on these people who love me the most. Coming from a broken home I waned to give my children a better life, but I really messed up with my chose of companion. Years of suffering and my children seeing to much, suffering themselves. I GOT OUT. God put a good man in my path who has taken over and been the daddy my children deserve. So why this, why now, why with so much happiness would I be struggling with depression and anxiety. Your blog has made me excited to make the next step and take the pill! I know every medication works different for each individual but do you mind telling me what you have found to work best for you?
Thanks for sharing your story. Your testimony has touched so many and given strength to so much more!???? Brooke.
Brooke! What a sweet message. I take Lexapro, but like you said, each medication works differently. Sounds like you’re a good mama that’s trying hard, and that means something. I hope you get some help, because it really is so worth it.
THanks for this I just got my prescription for the 2nd time but this time I did pick it up it makes me anxious haven’t taken it yet but I will tomorrow. I know that I need it and have been trying to avoid it but I know I can’t anymore.
The pill has made me “normal” again. I had paralyzing anxiety after my brother died and two years later I became a mom. PP depression and anxiety are a real thing & we are only going to be better mommas if we seek help to be our best self. I put off depression meds when my brother died, but after I became a mom- holy cow the anxiety! I went to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack and that’s when I gave in to the pill! Thank you for the act of normalizing this for moms with your article!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me too. It also helps ME to know I’m not alone. xoxo
Do you practice yoga? Please try it. It cured me of ALL my anxiety. There’s a science to it that would take too long to explain. But if you commit a few monyhs to a regular practice, lile 2 or 3 days a week I can almost guarantee positive results and a total remission of anxiety and depression. YouTube has hundreds of videos you can do in your own home but there’s a definite benefit to being in class too. I think being amongst totally nonjudgemental people is beneficial to the psyche too.
I’m 60. I lived with depression and chronic anxiety my whole life. Until yoga. I hope you get a handle on it.
I came across your post by accident, I was looking for advice on coping with depression and anxiety without medication, because I too, feel as if I’m accepting defeat. I read your post and it’s as if I wrote it myself. I recently scheduled a mental health appointment after putting it off for sooooo long. I know there is hope for a “normal” life.