The longer I’m a parent, the more I realize that I say a lot of things that show that I’ve been a parent for 10 years and I can enter the ranks of official parenthood. But, whether you’re new to this whole parenting gig, or you’re a seasoned parent, my guess is that at some point, you’ll find these 15 phrases slipping from your lips, and you’ll realize that you did become your parents after all.
Don’t fight it. It happens to the best of us.
Here are 15 phrases I now say that officially make me a parent:
Why is this wet? or Why is this sticky? These two phrases will become commonplace as you happen upon pee in the closet and something sticky on every light switch in the house. And, deep down, you know that these two questions are both rhetorical because “not me” usually is to blame.
You’ll poke your eye out! Kids and sharp objects must have a magnetic pull to each other because after a while, you won’t be surprised when the thing your toddler wants to play with most is the knives while you’re unloading the dishwasher.
Who left all these lights on? We aren’t made of money! With kids in the house, you suddenly become keenly aware of how much electricity costs. It’s mostly because lights don’t ever get turned off, and doors don’t ever get shut, so you’ll find yourself reminding your kids that money certainly doesn’t grow on trees.
Because I’m the mom, that’s why. My kids know that I’ve earned the right to eat my ice cream before dinner, or make them do chores for no reason whatsoever. This phrase feels both like I’ve earned it, and like I kinda hate myself for saying it. Not really.
Stop touching him. Don’t look at him. Don’t breathe on him. Personal space gets discussed quite a bit as a parent, and I find myself discussing personal boundaries daily. Sometimes, breathing on each other is considered a form of extreme torture in our house (according to my kids) and sometimes we have to remind everyone of this hourly.
Take a jacket, you’ll catch a cold! This usually falls on deaf ears as my kids are certain that they’ll never get cold when it’s winter, and for sure, not going to get hot when they for some unknown reason insist on wearing jeans in the summer.
Stop yelling! When you yell, “STOP YELLING” you know you’ve officially entered the phase of hypocritical parenting.
Everyone go potty before we leave the house! Reminding your people to use the bathroom is not only your right as a mom (or dad), but it’s your way of saving your sanity later. Just be careful, because you might definitely ruin your kid’s day by asking him to do this simple task.
Just because your friend does it, doesn’t mean you get to. No, you can’t have a cell phone, child. I don’t care if your friend got one when he was 6. Our family has different rules.
Don’t make me come in there. This age old parenting tactic works well even in 2017. I just didn’t know how often I’d need to use it.
You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. This might be the most used phrase of moms everywhere as we negotiate the colors of cups, and who got to get in the car first. When you use it, though, be prepared for your kids to throw it in your face later when you’re not getting your way.
Eh. A little dirt never killed anybody. This is mostly a pep talk to myself as I catch my 4 year old licking a window with 3 other kids at the public library.
If you’re really starving eat a piece of fruit. OKAY, if you don’t want piece of fruit, then my guess is that you’re not really starving.
Fine. Eat three more bites and we’ll call it good. I hate to break it to you parents, but at some point, we have to accept the fact that we do negotiate with terrorists. All. the. time.
Did anybody hear what I just said? HELLO?? Did you guys hear me? ANYONE?!!? Nothing makes me more officially a parent than realizing my voice is inaudible to small ears. If your kids don’t hear you either, then congratulations, you’ve officially “arrived.”