Every mother in the history of forever has mumbled to herself – “I never get a break from my child.” with the next thought running through her head that sounds something like “If I never get a break from my child, how can I keep going?”
We all wonder, how we can keep doing this really hard job of motherhood day after day when we’re exhausted, worn out, and stressed. And our kids are always there.
We all feel from time to time that we never get a break from our kids. And, in new motherhood that’s especially true.
So, what happens when a mom never gets a break?
We all have bad days in parenting. So how do you know when you really need a break and when you are just having a bad day with the kids? Because – hello. Have you met toddlers? They can kind of be the worst. And if you’re struggling because you never get a break from your toddler, we hear you. That shit is hard.
When moms never get a break, everyone in her circle should be concerned. Not getting a break from your kids can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, overwhelm, and frustration just to name a few. Long term effects can include depression and anxiety, and an overall feeling of harsh self-judgement.
Is it wrong to need a break from your kid?
NO! I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to take breaks from your child. If you say to yourself, “I never get a break from my child” then that means you need one – stat!
If you never get a break from your baby, then of course you’re going to experience burnout. Babies need care around the clock, and it’s hard to adjust to life with a newborn. So, it’s not wrong at all if you need a break from your kid.
If you have a toddler that doesn’t sleep, it’s not wrong to want them to sleep better so that you can get a damn break.
Preschoolers are learning to push buttons, and say no, and sometimes they talk non-stop (like my youngest!) and it can be an overwhelming experience to be constantly “on” for your kids. Needing a break is NOT wrong. You were a human being before you became a mother, and you need to get back to that human being pre-baby and take care of her.
Imagine being in a typical workplace and never getting a break to go to the bathroom, or eat some hot food, or even just mentally detach for a few minutes so you can catch your breath. Motherhood is like that. We would never stay at a job that didn’t allow breaks, so why would you think it’s wrong to take a break from your kids?
It’s absolutely vital for your emotional well-being.
How often should a mom get a break?
This is a question that probably gets asked a lot by women that never get a break from their kids. I’d love to give you a magical number so that you can go to your partner and demand your kid-free time, but to be honest, there is not a set number to give.
How often moms should get breaks from their kids totally depends on the age of the child, the support system they have in place, and the means to get breaks.
I heard a story of one woman that was able to hire a night nurse to get a solid six hours of sleep per night so she could get a break from her baby and feel refreshed the next day. I thought to myself – “Good for her! There’s a woman that knows what she needs, and has the means to get it.”
But, most women are not going to be in a position to take a break from their child every night from 9 P.M. to 6 A.M. At least I never was able to do that.
Moms need a short break from their kids daily, in my opinion, and longer breaks from their children as needed.
When those feelings of burnout start to creep in, it’s time to evaluate when you last had a break from your kid. If it’s been two months, it’s definitely been too long.
The longer I’m a parent, the more time away I’m able to make happen. I always feel rejuvenated when I get a break from my kids and then get to reunite with them. I tend to be a more patient parent when I get breaks from being one.
How to get a break from your child
The key to getting breaks is figuring out a way to make it happen though. HOW do you get breaks from your kids? Maybe you’re strapped for cash, and hiring out isn’t a possibility all the time. That’s OK. You can still find ways to get a break from your kids.
First, you should talk to your inner circle.
Your partner is your first person to go to. Tell them you need a break because that’s the first step to getting one. Often our partners don’t know that we need a break until we speak up and say something blunt like, “I never get a break from my child and I need help.”
You can also tell a friend, a neighbor, or an extended family member that you need a break. Odds are there is someone in your circle that is willing to help you get a break from your children.
How much time is it reasonable to be away from your child based on their age?
There is certainly a big difference in the amount of time you can spend when you need a break from your teenager vs. when you need a break from a newborn or toddler that needs more care and supervision.
For children before the age of ten years old or so, getting a break from your kid will require someone else being there to take care of them. You want to investigate the laws in your state regarding leaving a child home alone. Every state is different. But, it’s pretty safe to bet that most children are not equipped to stay home alone before the age of eight or so.
When your kids are older, you can start to do fun things like run to the store alone, or sit in the driveway alone for a few minutes when they are in less danger of hurting themselves. That’s when getting a break from your kids becomes more relaxing and not a source of stress and anxiety.
Remember that every mother needs a daily break from her kids.
Every mother should try to get a few minutes to herself daily. It’s just common sense that none of us can continue to give all day long without any time to catch our breath, or rest for a minute. Find ways to work some small things into your routine to get short breaks.
Do not feel guilty if you have to use screen time to give yourself a few minutes, either. Baby Einstein videos were our favorite when our kids were babies. A baby monitor or a playpen can also give you a break from your kids without actually leaving the house.
Lock the door to the bathroom when you have toddlers and you need a quick minute without someone asking for a snack.
Take time early in the morning to yourself before the kids are up, or put your kids to bed early to give yourself a break at the end of the day. Odds are, if you can can carve out small ways to get breaks from your kids, you’ll be a much happier mom.
Figure out a way to take longer breaks from your kids, too.
I promise there will come a day when you get to go to the store without a toddler in tow, but what’s even better is a night away from the kids, or a girls’ trip with friends. Those longer breaks from your kids are more restorative, and vital to knowing who you are outside of raising little humans.
Consider swapping childcare with another mom when they are little. I had a mom friend who swapped overnights with our kids so that we could celebrate anniversaries with our spouses.
Beg the grandparents to take the kids for a night, or hire a trusted babysitter to stay for a day while you go out to the spa.
Women feel way too much guilt taking breaks from their kids, and there truly are so many benefits to getting a break from your kids.
Why should I take a break from my kids?
We are mothers, not robots. Getting breaks from your kids will help you remember that you were a human being first, and that you are not made just to wipe bums, clean up messes, burp babies, change diapers, and break up fights.
You should take a break from your kids simply because you need it. But, the benefits will come and help you realize that taking a break from parenting just makes you a better parent. We’ve all heard the saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that’s even true in parenthood.
When we miss our kids, we realize how precious our time is with them.
Getting breaks will allow you to remember who you are outside of “mom” and the added benefit is you’ll come back and feel like you can kick ass at parenting that day.
What should you do when you can’t get a break from your kids?
This is a tough one, because I do feel like everyone can get a break from their kids, even if it’s just a tiny, daily five minutes. But, some people do not have a partner, or a support system. Some of us work full-time and the last thing we want is a break from our kids after work. We’ve missed them!
I can speak from experience, however, that when you don’t have a support system in place, it can be significantly harder to get breaks. So, create your own support system. I have relied on people in my circles that have filled in when my family wasn’t supportive or couldn’t be because they lived so far away.
If you can’t get a physical break from your kids, at least give yourself a mental one.
You had passions before you became a parent, and my guess is you had goals and dreams. Do not let those die! Find ways to tap into that part of yourself mentally if you can’t get a physical break.
When I was a brand new parent, I spent a ton of time scrapbooking. It was my outlet to think about something besides the demands of new motherhood. Find a hobby, read a book, watch a guilty pleasure TV show, exercise, meditate, etc. All of these things can give you a mental break when you really need it.
We all need a break from kids.
“I never get a break from my child” should never make you feel like a bad mom. Taking on the role of mother is not an easy task and all of us need breaks when we’re learning something new. The emotional bandwidth that’s required when you are learning any new skill is great, and motherhood is a beast unlike any other.
You will never feel like you’ve done enough, but you’re learning as you go. Therefore, with all that learning, you need a break from kids. Period.
Your mind and body need to rest occasionally from parenthood just as much as if you needed a break from learning how to do a skill at a new job.
Motherhood is grueling, demanding work that can easily consume 24/7 of us. But, it’s up to us to make sure that we make the impossible happen, because we all need a break from our kids.
And, honestly? It’s not as impossible as you think.
Need a mental break from your kids? Grab my book here.
Thank you for this. This is so validating to me as a SAHM and homeschooler whose toddler sometimes refuses to nap 😭
The nap refusal stage is SOO frustrating. Hugs, mama! You’re doing a good job.
This has made me so relieved. Last year I asked my mother to babysit for a night and she asked why. I said it’s been 2 years and I haven’t had a day to myself or any sleep… and I need a break! She said no, because parents shouldnt get breaks. I haven’t talked to her since. Parents are deserving of time to themselves. We don’t get to eat hot meals slowly, sleep a full 8 hours, shower without a interruption. Not only that, with the divorce rate as high as it is, mom and dad need a night to themselves at least once a year. With how hard I’ve tried to make time for my husband it’s nearly impossible when you have 2 toddlers. We live in a rural area with no family or babysitters. When he has days off I leave for one day and go to the lake by myself. I just wish he could join me with out our kids because I feel like he misses how much fun I use to be.
My beautiful baby girl just turned 2 last week. I love her so much! I am a 24/7 SAHM, and when I say 24/7 it has literally been that for 2 years. I do feel guilty when I don’t want her clinging to me. I don’t get any breaks, we don’t have the support system at all. We have only been able to leave her 4 times in 2 years totaled of about 12 hours all together. Maybe even less than that. I have tried to ask my husband for a break but he doesn’t understand and I know he is tired from full time work too, so it is only both of us or nothing, so it has been nothing for me. I am currently sitting on my step stool in the corner of the kitchen while my toddler is eating her lunch alone. I am reading this and sobbing, first cry in many years so that came as a shock. Please take your break if you get a chance, DO IT FOR ME AND THOSE WHO CAN’T 🤗 I did get a break reading this in the corner by myself though😅
You’re not alone sister I’m right here with you. I love you I’m crying this article and your comment makes me feel OK. I love you. I don’t know where you live, but I’m in Tennessee. Exact same story, but I don’t even have a partner. No babysitter can’t work because I’m a sah mom, I don’t get any help from the state. I am extremely grateful that I am able to be a stay at home mom it’s just sort of taking its toll. Her dad pays child support when he wants. My mom helps financially some I’m a student in college just trying not to fuck my kid up. She’ll be two in July and I’ve had maybe four breaks from her one overnight but i got her at sunrise the next day, at first it was hard to not be with her constantly and I didn’t want to because I was so overprotective , it sucks not having a village. I am the village. Sometimes I yell at her and I feel so guilty and horrible then I just cry and pray, I don’t mean to yell I just feel like I can’t ever get anything finished. I feel like I can’t do anything for myself. I can’t do my schoolwork I can’t do house work , I can’t take a bath I can’t take a shit. She wants my attention 24 seven and she’s very strong-willed and I’ve given her all of me, but recently I have felt ready to get back out in the world thank you thank you to the lady who wrote this article and thank you to you , we’re gonna be OK and we’re bad ass bitches and we’re excellent fucking moms and we are OK please feel free to email me. My email is Sarahbrileywspagmail.com.
I work 50 hours from home and I have three kids. Two toddlers and a 9 year old. They are in daycare/school but they usually start coming home around 3:00 I get off at 4:30 and pick up my youngest. My husband is always at work and when he’s home all he wants to do is sleep. And if he has a day off he wants to catch up on what’s he’s missed while being at work. I’m frustrated, angry and resentful because he still has gym time and basically ‘me time’ while I’m always with kids. I feel like I can’t have fun with my kids because I never get a break.
Thank you, this helps a little. I didn’t get my first break from the kids until my oldest was 3 and I was able to go to the store without a kid. Now, that I don’t live with my brother anymore and I bought a house, I keep having outbursts and I no longer trust my brother or his wife with my kids like I thought I could. After work I have these anger outbursts bc I need a break but they won’t stop hounding me. The stress at work with the kids hounding, it’s been hard to hold things in. I feel bad for the kids. I literally have to put them on kids YouTube for DAYS to few a little relief. Idk what to do, the only thing that helps is leaving town but I never have had to do that. It’s a rough rut lately due to my job putting a pressure on my bills plus playing games with me. 11 years and I know how to do my job but I just have this one new manager down my throat because I’m multitasking. The job has to be done and she is waisting my time by being down my throat about things. Then, I come home to taking care of things by myself and if I don’t get it done, nobody else will bc I’m just me. Then, the kids refuse to help and it’s just faster if I do it and I feel like I never have time to sit down and teach them. Even my dreams won’t let up on the rut, I can’t even get a break bc things are spiraling. I’m just over here, how did I do this so well when they were babies?
You’re gonna be OK literally just thought the same thing. I should be teaching her more. I should get in the floor and play with her more. I should tickle her more. I mean we go outside a lot and play and go on walks and I put her on my shoulders and we pick flowers and look at birds and swing in the hammock and run around but when it comes to sitting in the floor and playing with her in the house, I just don’t want to. I do it anyway sometimes but not that long And I was so anal about her routine. She will not even eat. Unless we’re sitting at the table which is good but sometimes I just want to sit here while I watch TV you’re not alone and I don’t know if you believe in God or not, but he will always provide. He looks at our hearts And I yell too and I feel like shit because of it. Life is too short you’re not gonna die from a in between stage you’re gonna be OK quit your fucking job. Find another one go on indeed find another fucking job and if your kids aren’t helping you just go silent stop repeating yourself Take things away from them without them even realizing it when they’re at school take their pillows away when they’re in school take their door off the hinges when they’re at school take their favorite shoes I don’t know just an idea when they ask about it tell them how you ask them for help and they don’t help you And all these things are privileges you don’t need them they’re not a basic necessity I need help that is a basic necessity so either you can help me and we can all be happier or you can just start missing out on all the cool things that you have that are freely given to you because there’s a lot of kids in this world that don’t even have a fucking bad to sleep on I don’t have teenagers I raised my niece and my nephew, and they were good but as far as me, my mom took my door off the hinges and took my pillows away and took my CDs and my radio. This was before cell phones because I was very strong-willed and rebellious and whoopins do not work calling the cops did not work, so she went silent and once I realized that , those things were not needed for survival, and that there was nothing that I could do. She just went silent and that’s when I got concerned and started helping. I’ll pray for you.