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By Meredith Ethington

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Encouragement In the Motherhood Inspiration Mom Life Motherhood Parenting

I Wonder What Mother They Will Remember

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Lately, I’ve been thinking about what mother my kids will remember. Will they remember the one that worked, and had to ignore them sometimes, or will they remember the mom that poured over scrapbooks and baby books, and instagram posts documenting every moment of their little lives. 

Will they remember the mom that cried at school drop off? Or will they just remember the mom that hurried them out the door seemingly not caring if they had a meltdown? 

I wonder sometimes if I’m two different mothers to them like I am to myself. 

If I’m being honest – sometimes I feel like I’m 15 different mothers. I’m patient, loving, and kind. I’m creative and dull. I’m happy and dancing in the kitchen one minute, and begging for a nap and to be left alone the next minute. 

Sometimes, I wonder if they’ll remember the tears I had for no reason at all. Sitting on the couch feeling empty and sad. They come and give me hugs unsolicited as I cry. I am depressed and overwhelmed. I wonder if they will remember that version of me? 

I wonder if they’ll remember the mom that yelled over the permanent marker on the brand new toddler bedspread, or the one that quietly cleaned up the broken glass first thing in the morning when they shattered a cereal bowl on the kitchen floor before the sun was even up. Will they remember when I said, “It’s OK. Don’t cry. It’s just a bowl.”

Or will they remember the rage I sometimes felt over the little things due to my overwhelming anxiety? 

I think when we first become mothers we have this image of the perfect mother, or at least an ideal one in our heads. 

But, then we realize that we aren’t one dimensional. We’re still human. We cry, yell, get frustrated and sleepy (oh we get so sleepy) while we’re raising these other tiny humans that are also trying to navigate their own emotions. We thought naively that maybe we would never feel annoyed at our kids, or mad about the messes. 

We would bake cookies in the kitchen and never once be mad about the flour all over the floor. 

i-wonder-what-mother-they-will-remember

We envisioned a woman that fed them all organic, and never raised her voice. A mother that was using positive parenting techniques all the time, and never got bugged by the little stuff. 

I guess we were hoping that somehow we would become robotic when we started our motherhood journey. Never quick to anger, temper always tempered, and chill. Oh, how I was going to be so chill about it all. 

But, I’ve realized a very important truth now and that’s that I’m human, and it’s OK to show that to my kids. 

I want them to see my cry, yell, stand up for injustice, sleep, be happy, dance, and be sad. I want them to see me working through my own emotions so that they will know that they can work through theirs. 

But, if I’m being honest, the part that bothers me, is that I know that some of those negative memories will stick. That’s why we have therapy I guess. 

I can torture myself with the thoughts of which memories they will have of me when I’m gone. 

Will they remember the times we played games and went hiking and snuggled on the couch? Or will they remember the mom that traveled and sometimes put work first, and doled out chores on a Saturday morning? 

In a perfect world, I want them to remember both (or all 15) types of moms that I am. Because that’s what makes me complex and human, after all. 

Being one dimensional has never been that interesting in the history of forever. But, being emotionally honest is. 

So, I guess my hope is that they’ll remember as much of all of me as they can. 

I hope they’ll remember the good times, but also the sad ones. Because the sad ones mad the happy ones so much sweeter. 

If they remember the depression and anxiety that plagued me, I hope they’ll also remember how I fought through that daily.  For them. 

It’s easy to plague ourselves throughout parenting with mom guilt (and dad guilt.) 

But, instead, I hope that they remember the mom that was authentic. That stuck to her core values and lived a full, albeit sometimes highly emotional life. I hope they’ll remember my big heart that sometimes took things too seriously, and took on the emotions of everyone around me. 

I hope they’ll remember the home we made together in a little house, on a quiet street, where laughter happened and crying too. 

Because that life is a full one where we live, breathe, and grow together. Feeling all the emotions that this one beautiful life has to offer. 


1 Comment

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Comments

  1. Katie Goodnough says

    February 7, 2023 at 4:10 pm

    This. All of this. I have often plagued myself with these questions and I’m growing to accept all the emotions and teach them they’re a part of life too.

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

Perfection Pending on Instagram

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Meredith Ethington
Working on figuring out my mission as we speak. ❤️
Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebblei Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebbleice #adhd #momlifebelike
Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. Here are a f Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. 

Here are a few things I’d tell you if I could call you all up: 

❤️ It’s ok to say no to things.

❤️ Your kiddos don’t need perfection - they need real. Emotional, Messy, flawed, etc. It helps them know their emotions are valid. 

❤️ Having anxiety or depression does not mean you’re an inadequate parent. 

❤️ Never be ashamed of asking for help or going on medication if necessary. 

❤️Kids can be draining. Take time for yourself. I promise you’ll be able to be a better, more present parent if you do this. 

❤️ Boundaries are your friend. People that make you feel like you’re not enough are not. 

Hang in there. It doesn’t get easier - like at all. But you get stronger.
I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process feelings of never measuring up and feeling lIke someone else would do it better than me. 
I don’t feel like this very often anymore. But I know that there are plenty of mothers out there that do. You aren’t alone. 
The experience of Motherhood is definitely something that humbles even the most confident mothers. 
I wasn’t one to have much confidence once I began but I got there eventually. 
If you’re in this headspace of wondering if you’re enough I’m here to tell you:
1. You are. 
2. This is NORMAL. 
3. This post is for you. 
Read it on my substack now and consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. ❤️ It supports me as I hopefully support you.
I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ik Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ikeahack #jokesfordays
This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
Yup. 😂 @themumcrew Yup. 😂 @themumcrew
Best thrift find ever. 😂 Best thrift find ever. 😂
Mental health matters. ❤️ Mental health matters. ❤️
You get the full tour if you’re my friend. You get the full tour if you’re my friend.
Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑 Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑
Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
Love this so much. @nellie_scales Love this so much. @nellie_scales
If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, conside If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber on Substack where you won’t miss any of my posts. Here’s the latest - link in profile. 

#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #mentalhealthawareness #stopthestigmamentalillness
For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. My latest on substack. ❤️ Link in profile
Truth right here. Truth right here.
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