Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Mom Guilt Is My Friend Today

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No one likes mom guilt. It seems like the moment that the first baby is placed in your arms, it’s code for: Start blaming yourself now for everything that happens in this little human’s life. I’m just as guilty as the next mom for getting bogged down by the guilt trips I give myself daily.

They get too much screen time. 

They aren’t reading enough. 

I let her cry it out five minutes too long last night. 

I locked myself in my bathroom for a moment of peace. 

I wasn’t meant to be a mother. 

Thoughts like these are probably feel familiar if you’re a mom with a conscience. Mom guilt has spiraled me into feelings of depression, and anger, and has even made me feel like I don’t deserve to be a mother.

I think most logical people would argue that mom guilt is bad. We need to give ourselves more grace, and allow ourselves to be human. After all, moms are human. We have every right to take care of ourselves first, and plop the kid down in front of the TV from time to time without lecturing ourselves about how we are ruining them forever.

Because, news flash…we’re not.

After being a mom for 12 years, I’ve let go of feeling guilty for a lot of things. I don’t stress about as much as I used to as a new mom. I realized quickly that it just took too much energy to feel guilty for everything. And trust me, motherhood makes you feel guilty for almost everything.

I’ve learned to stop feeling guilty over too much screen time. I’ve learned to let go of the fact that other moms are crafty and I just have no desire to learn how to make edible play dough. I’ve learned that I can’t always make the best meals, and I certainly can’t control who actually eats them in my house.

There are countless things that I’ve learned aren’t worth worrying about as a mother. And, if I could give any advice to a new mom, it would be to shake off the feelings of mom guilt as much as possible, because it can make you feel like a terrible mother, and like you’re failing – when in reality, you’re not.

But, sometimes, I think mom guilt actually can help me be a better mom. I know I sound like I’m contradicting myself, but the truth is, we have to distinguish the mom guilt voice in our head that is trying to discourage us, from the voice that is encouraging us to do better and be better.

Because, we all have room for improvement. Even in motherhood.

For example, while I don’t like to admit it, I pretty much hate playing games and make-believe with my kids. Some moms love it, but I just don’t. I have felt an immense amount of guilt over the years when my kids innocently ask, “mommy, will you play with me?” and I always manage to find an excuse.

But, as time flies by and I watch my kids get older, that nagging mom guilt is still there, but now I feel it’s propelling me toward making motherhood less about me, and more about them.

When I hear, “Mommy, can you play with me?”, my first instinct might still be to say no, but that mom guilt helps me want to say yes.

Do I love it now? Not really. But, does that mom guilt help me engage with my kid more, and bask in his happiness as he plays with me? Absolutely.

In some ways, mom guilt has helped me overcome my own selfishness when I really could put more time and effort into them.

There is a balance, of course. Mom guilt could rip out my soul and make me feel completely lost if I always put their needs before my own. But, I like to look at it now as a motivator for me to put their needs before my own when I can.

I know what you might be feeling, “BUT I DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM!” Because, you probably do.

But, it’s in the every day little things that will make them feel loved and cared for. I know that now. Because I see time slipping away, and I see the moments where they ask for more stories, and hugs, and extra cuddles at bedtime to not come as often.

It’s in the times when we say yes when they know we’re busy, and we read one more story when they know we are bone tired where they will feel the most loved.

In the early years of motherhood there are lots of physical demands required of moms. Feeding, bathing, clothing, and the lack of sleep all take a toll. My kids are older now though, and I see a shift now in my thinking about their emotional needs.

Sometimes mom guilt is good. Because it makes me a better mom.

I find myself asking, “What do they need from me emotionally today?” And, mom guilt helps me find the answer. I think those tiny voices in our head are sometimes there to help us become better. And, do better. That’s why some days I’ll try to embrace that pesky mom guilt and be glad it helped me be a better mom today.

Meredith Ethington is a writer and a mom to three, trying to help her kids understand sarcasm and her need for personal space. Meredith’s debut parenting book, Mom Life: Perfection Pending, provides an uplifting yet realistic look at all that is expected of moms in the 21st century and is now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and at Absolute Love Publishing. She proudly writes for many of her favorite parenting sites, including Scary Mommy, Babble, Momtastic, and on her own blog. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter where she loves to laugh at herself and admit that while parenting is the best thing ever, it’s also the hardest job on earth.

 


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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
"I don't care" as I literally care about every sin "I don't care" as I literally care about every single thing.
I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
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But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

Psss - I am in grad school to become a therapist, and am not ashamed to ask that you subscribe to my paid substack. I just lowered the cost to $36/year! That's like $4/month and you'll have access to all my previous posts, and some new weekly short posts to give you ideas to help with balancing motherhood and your own mental health. I'm learning a lot in school, and will only continue to do so, so subscribe and we'll support each other. ❤️
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Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon
I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and a dress with spaghetti straps and a Tshirt under it while you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong? 🤣 Life is wild. Teenagers are fun.
Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

#momspiration #momlife #funnymoms #memtalhealth #parentinglife #parentingquotes
"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

#perfecționism #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #imperfect #perfectpending #themotherload #thementalload
Mood. Mood.
Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
Probably a whole lot more to be honest. I bet you are too. #momlife #encouragement #momspiration
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