Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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In the Motherhood Inspiration Motherhood Parenting Perfection Sisters

Why I Believe It’s OK To Say Out Loud That Motherhood Is Hard

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I said to my sister on the phone the other day, “Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating by my life”.

Now, before any of you start to worry that I am falling off the deep end, I’m not. But, some days, suffocation by my reality as a stay at home mom feels, well….real.

It’s so hard to imagine something before you begin it.

Kind of like how you can tell someone all day long that having a child is both the hardest and most beautiful thing they will ever experience.

How the newborn phase can make you feel like you are going to die from sleep deprivation (you won’t). But, until they experience it, it’s impossible for them to understand what you are saying. Basically, you waste your breath trying to convey an impossible thing to convey.

But, when I pick up the phone and call my sister and tell her I’m suffocating because I haven’t had time to myself in months, and the baby says “Mommy” 1,239 times a day, she gets it. She doesn’t judge.

Some days, she feels she is suffocating too.

There are people though, that don’t get it.

Maybe they are the stay at home mom that truly, and beautifully wanted nothing more than to do crafts with her kids all day long, and cook everything from scratch.

Or, maybe it is the working mom that is dying to be a stay at home Mom, and can’t fathom how any of us can’t appreciate what we have. Or, maybe it’s the childless that look and covet what we have, feeling that the world is so cruel because we aren’t grateful.

It doesn’t matter, really. It really doesn’t. matter. Those people that don’t get it, probably never will.

That’s why I cling to those that do. That’s why I blog for those that also feel they are suffocating and drowning some days, and want to not feel alone when they bring it up at playgroup and the whole room goes silent.

That’s why I seek out friends, who in my mind aren’t negative, but are truthful when they feel the same way.

It doesn’t make me less than to feel like I’m suffocating. It makes me human. You see, I’m sacrificing a lot of me, to be “Mommy”. It’s a choice I made. It’s a choice that I LOVE most days.

Motherhood is also a choice that I’m allowed to feel frustrated by from time to time.

We are all guilty of it. Wanting something so bad, and then complaining when it isn’t what we expect.

The beauty of motherhood is that we grow. That’s the beauty of life, really. It’s a unique experience perfectly tailored to us, and what we need. And, what I need some days is to feel like I can say out loud, “I’m suffocating”.

For me, that saying it out loud part, is cathartic.

It helps me exhale and re-focus and think, “OK. This is harder than I thought, but I can do this.” And, I do. I wake up in a better mood the next day, or maybe I get more sleep.

I try to do things differently to course correct, and I become better. In little tiny increments that maybe no one is noticing but me. But, the saying it out loud part? It helps.

It doesn’t make me negative, or ungrateful, or drowning in misery to say out loud that motherhood is hard. It heals me.

The saying it out loud is part of MY healing process. Some may not see it as a positive, but I do. Because I see those little tiny incremental changes and I feel stronger every day.

I can face the dirty dishes, and the piles of laundry, and the I-need-2-extra-arms-to-get-it-all-done feeling, and the “enjoy every moment” comments from strangers when I say out loud that sometimes it’s not easy. Not enjoyable. And, sometimes I feel suffocated.

Because motherhood is both beautiful and yucky. It is both exhausting and exhilarating. It is both joyous and painful. It is both a test and a blessing. It is both a learning experience and a surviving experience.

It’s all of that.

So, I for one, am going to continue to say it out loud because I am human.

And, there is more than one way to be.


17 Comments

« Why Sometimes I Let My Kids Quit
It’s Way Worse When Your Kid Gets Ghosted By A Friend Than When You Do »

Comments

  1. Emily Thomas says

    January 30, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    It does make it better to say it out loud. But you’re right that you have to be careful who you say it to. I like to ask my kids if I’m making them crazy like they’re making me. They say ‘yes’ too quickly. At least I know we’re in it together then. 🙂

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      January 30, 2014 at 1:56 pm

      Ha! That’s true, I’m sure I drive them crazy also. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Amanda Neff says

    January 30, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    I needed this. This week has been a tough one and I may have said “I can’t stand the teenage years” a few too many times. I also think one teen in particular gave me at least 70 extra grey hairs this week. Parenting is HARD! For stay at home moms, working moms, stay at home dads, working dads, you name it. It is the toughest job there is. Thankfully, it is also the most rewarding (most days). I question myself daily and just hope I am doing the right thing, but unfortunately, there is nothing to tell you the perfect way to do it. After venting to my mom about things she said it the most clear “just follow your heart”

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      January 30, 2014 at 3:29 pm

      It is SO SO hard. Glad this helped a little today. I don’t even want to think about teenagers yet. Can I come cry to you when I get to that stage??

      Reply
      • Amanda Neff says

        January 30, 2014 at 5:35 pm

        Yes! We can cry together because I will be in my second ‘set’ of teens by then and will surely be in a straight jacket!

        Reply
        • Meredith says

          January 30, 2014 at 5:42 pm

          hahah!

          Reply
  3. Rayna Drago says

    January 30, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    Amen sister! I must be a cat because I have suffocated at LEAST 9 times this week! Complain all you want to me…I won’t judge but join you! HA!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      January 30, 2014 at 3:29 pm

      Ha! I know. This is why I love you.

      Reply
  4. jennifer groeber says

    January 30, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    What a well-written piece! You’ve totally hit it!
    And I will totally commiserate with you in the pre-school parking lot! Because I wanted this soooo badly for so long and now, I think my favorite metaphor for how I feel is the gumball machine. I wanted a gumball really, really badly. Put in the penny. No gum. Put in the penny. No gum. PUT IN THE PENNY! NO GUM! Sigh. Put in the penny. GUM POURING ALL OVER THE FLOOR! It’s never what you expect or in the way you expect it. That’s my motherhood experience. Too much gum, not enough of everything else.
    But I do like an occasional gumball! 😉

    Reply
  5. Kerry says

    February 2, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    saying it out loud IS so important! It makes us feel less alone and saying it takes away the taboo.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      February 2, 2014 at 8:32 pm

      Agreed. 100%

      Reply
  6. Ben Gardner says

    February 3, 2014 at 8:17 am

    I feel like I am suffocating at my job too. Thank goodness for my wife at home taking care of the kids. So I only have to be dad when I get home.

    Reply
  7. The Dusty Parachute says

    January 23, 2015 at 7:37 am

    I’m so glad that we live in a time where it is okay to have a day where you can say ‘this totally sucks!’ I don’t know what I would do without all my commiserating friends. 🙂

    Reply
  8. Monique says

    January 24, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Yes!! I so feel you on this too! I had high hopes of being a SAHM and then I became one and well now I am achieving the goal of being a SAHM only sometimes like 3 days a week, and all day haha. There has to got be a midfle ground and im on a misdion to persue it!

    Reply
  9. Lexi says

    November 3, 2020 at 8:13 pm

    Yes. Feel the feelings! Validate them so you can move them & move on.

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
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Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

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WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

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New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
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I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

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