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By Meredith Ethington

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Anxiety

If You’ve Thought, My Anxiety Is Making Me A Bad Mom, You’re Not Alone

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I’ve thought more times than I can count that my anxiety is making me a bad mom.

I have cried over it, and I’ve struggled with it for probably 16 years. But, I’m here to tell you that having anxiety does not make you a bad mom.

First of all, if you’re worried and thinking, Am I bad mom? You’re most likely not.

Bad moms don’t worry if they are bad moms. And I would even argue that most moms try their best to be a good mom even if they fail at some aspects of motherhood.

While I have no statistics or science to back this up, I would argue, that those of us that worry about being bad moms are probably some of the best moms out there.

Being a mom with anxiety and depression does not automatically make you a bad mom either.

Millions of mothers struggle with anxiety and depression. Whether it’s something like postpartum depression after birth, or it’s something more long term, motherhood changes us. It just does. And it can change our brains (and our bodies) forever.

That’s just the reality of being a mom.

Not only that, but I would argue that almost 100% of moms have struggled with temporary anxiety and depression. Whether it lasts a day or a year, being a mom with anxiety and depression can feel overwhelming. Parental anxiety is a thing believe it or not.

Top view of single mother sitting on the couch at home holding her child daughter. Is my anxiety making me a bad mom concept.
Adobestock

So what are parental anxiety symptoms?

According to Medical News Today, parental anxiety has some distinct signs separate from regular anxiety. They include:

  • avoiding putting a child in relatively safe situations they perceive as harmful
  • vocalizing feelings of worry or stress to other people, including a child
  • having persistent thoughts that something bad could happen to a child
  • spending excessive time worrying over small details relating to a child

After my first child was born, I realized that I had a lot of these symptoms. You can read about my experience with postpartum anxiety here. My anxiety seemed to focus on the well-being of my child and whether or not I was doing enough.

Anxiety consumed my thoughts, and made it hard for me to function and sleep day to day. That, coupled with postpartum depression made those first few months as a parent very difficult.

But, having anxiety and depression did not mean I was a bad mom.

If anything, it meant I was taking my job as a mom very seriously.

So what if you are a mother with generalized anxiety disorder?

While motherhood may have triggered some of my anxiety, it was not the root cause. Several years into my mothering, I realized I needed more help than I was getting. I was burned out, tired, and lashing out at my kids.

It turned out that I was diagnosed by my therapist with generalized anxiety disorder. Suddenly everything in my world made sense. Because I had GAD long before I became a mother.

All the signs were there when I was a child, but no one was clued in enough to what I was experiencing to get me help.

What is generalized anxiety disorder?

Most people feel anxious. Anxiety is something we all experience as part of the human existence. But, generalized anxiety disorder looks a bit different. It’s pervasive, and all consuming.

According to Verywellmind.com there are certain criteria for diagnosing generalized anxiety disorder or GAD. They say:

“When assessing for GAD, clinical professionals are looking for the following:

  1. The presence of excessive anxiety and worry about a variety of topics, events, or activities. Worry occurs more often than not for at least six months and is clearly excessive.
  2. The worry is experienced as very challenging to control. The worry in both adults and children may easily shift from one topic to another.
  3. The anxiety and worry are accompanied by at least three of the following physical or cognitive symptoms (In children, only one of these symptoms is necessary for a diagnosis of GAD):
  • Edginess or restlessness
  • Tiring easily; more fatigued than usual
  • Impaired concentration or feeling as though the mind goes blank
  • Irritability (which may or may not be observable to others)
  • Increased muscle aches or soreness
  • Difficulty sleeping (due to trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, restlessness at night, or unsatisfying sleep)”

It’s important for you to seek the help of a professional if you’re experiencing these symptoms. If you’re a parent with an anxiety disorder, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

mom with anxiety disorder tired stressed mother at home watching baby
Adobestock

More importantly, if you are a mom with generalized anxiety disorder you are still a good mom.

I have fought the feelings of feeling like a bad mom because I was anxious for many many years. For me, my anxiety made me feel like a bad mom, even though that wasn’t true at all.

Interestingly enough, my anxiety made me an angry mom. Yes, I worried, and stressed about things, but more often than not, my anxiety made me feel rage.

I constantly worried if I was ruining my kids, or causing trauma when they were younger by my outbursts of irritability and anger. While yelling at your kids can be traumatic and damaging, you can also get help for your anxiety.

I eventually sought the help of both a therapist, and a doctor in order to get my anxiety under control.

If you’re feeling like your anxiety is making you a bad mom, I cannot stress enough how important it is to get help. While having anxiety does not make you a bad mom, it’s still important for yourself and for your kids that you get help.

Because believe me when I say that getting help can be life changing for your entire family when you have anxiety and depression.

No, I was not a bad mom before, but I am a better mom than I was since getting help. My kids are happier because I’m happier.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever have bad days or yell at my kids occasionally. But, I can function at a level that is more stable and happy than I was able to before.

More importantly, when stressful things happen like they always do as a mom, I can handle it a whole hell of a lot easier.

Maybe you feel like a bad mom because you think, “My child triggers my anxiety.”

Well, what if I told you that it’s entirely possible that’s true?

I used to think that becoming a mother would be so natural and easy for me. Being a mom is instinctual right? Well, I laugh at that now, because while some things were easy and instinctual, others definitely were not.

Being a mom with anxiety and depression may mean that your children are your triggers. OK, maybe not the mere existence of your kids, but the behaviors that kids can exhibit can be triggering for a mother with an anxiety disorder.

This does not mean that you shouldn’t have become a mom. This just means that maybe you need a little extra help.

Since becoming a mom, I’ve realized a lot of things about my kids that trigger my anxiety.

Kids are kids. It’s not their fault in any way that they trigger something in me that I already had long before they came along.

It’s just that for some of us, being a mom with anxiety and depression means we have to look for the warning signs that maybe we need a little self-care in order to manage the anxiety and depression while being the best mom we can be.

One of the things about being a mom that triggered anxiety symptoms in me was a lack of alone time.

Now that my kids are older, i can manage my alone time a little more easily. But when kids are babies and toddlers, alone time is harder to come by. Kids are clingy little suckers and want to be with their mamas all. the. time.

They can’t help it, because they are kids! But you may need extra breaks, daycare, or a helper to get through the day without losing your shit.

That does not make you a bad mom.

If motherhood triggers your anxiety, take a step back and look at what specifically you need that will make it better.

You can’t get rid of the kids (ha!) so you have to figure out what your specific triggers are and how to deal with them.

Maybe excessive crying is a trigger or lack of sleep. Both of those are a reality when you’re a mom. Maybe you have sensory sensitivity that makes excessive noise a trigger. Have you heard how loud toddlers can be?

To be honest, there could be a million things triggering your anxiety when you’re a mom.

Couple that with a lack of sleep, and it’s a recipe for mom anxiety symptoms.

Anxious mother syndrome is real.

Any mother will tell you that being a mom makes her anxious from time to time. That’s just the reality of the weight of taking care of other people and trying to raise good humans. The things that can cause anxiety never go away once you become a mom.

Anxious mother syndrome may not be an exact diagnosis in the DSM-5, but it’s still real. When we become mothers we put all of our needs last and want so much to be a good mom and do everything just right for our kids.

Some of us even want to do everything perfect. Ahem. Yeah, that would have been me a few years ago.

While anxious mother syndrome is something a lot of us deal with, it’s so so important to get help.

Happy mother playing, having fun, hugging with her son at home
Adobestock

When you’re raised by an anxious mother, it can have implications.

This is why it’s so important to get help. Yes, being an anxious mom is a lot for you to deal with, but it’s a lot for your kids to deal with, too.

Before I go on, I want to emphasize that you cannot create an anxiety disorder in your own children just because you’re an anxious mother yourself.

However, you can feed unwarranted worries or behaviors in your children that if not treated, can make them more scared an anxious of the world around them.

According to Talkspace.com, you can teach your kids the following if you don’t get help for yourself.

These things may include ideas like:

  • The world is dangerous.
  • Other people are not to be trusted. (This may also manifest itself as unfounded prejudices—e.g. men/women/people who are a different ethnicity are not to be trusted.)
  • Unpredictability is something to be feared.
  • You need to try to control everything so that you don’t get hurt.
  • It is easiest just to stay home and not interact with anyone.
  • Don’t take any risks, because it would be worse to fail than not to try.

Some anxiety disorders are inherited, and there’s not much you can do about your child inheriting an anxiety disorder because of your genetics. However, it’s important to recognize that leaving your own anxiety and depression untreated can have implications on your own kids.

But, your anxiety is still not making you a bad mom.

Moms with anxiety and depression and other mental illnesses are not inherently bad moms. They are just different. Much like a mom who has cancer, or a disability, it just means that you have extra challenges to overcome.

The key to overcome feeling like a bad mom when you have anxiety is to get help. It’s as simple as that.

You love your kids. There is hope. And you can get the right tools to help you succeed.

But, regardless, your anxiety is not you. You’re still an amazing mom. And certainly not a bad one.


2 Comments

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Comments

  1. H says

    September 28, 2023 at 2:35 pm

    How does one get help when they can’t afford support?

    Reply
  2. Maggie says

    February 14, 2024 at 7:02 am

    I don’t know why it took me 2.5 years, since my son was born, to seek out other women who feel as I do, but reading this article was exactly what I needed and it brought me to tears. Thank you.

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
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Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
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I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mea Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mean someone loves you that much to communicate them! Love this wisdom from @wittyidiot
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But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

Psss - I am in grad school to become a therapist, and am not ashamed to ask that you subscribe to my paid substack. I just lowered the cost to $36/year! That's like $4/month and you'll have access to all my previous posts, and some new weekly short posts to give you ideas to help with balancing motherhood and your own mental health. I'm learning a lot in school, and will only continue to do so, so subscribe and we'll support each other. ❤️
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Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

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"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

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Mood. Mood.
Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
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