Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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New Motherhood Wrecked Me. But, Here’s What I Know Now.

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Sometimes I look back at my time as a new mother and think it traumatized me. New motherhood wrecked me in fact. I know that sounds dramatic, and frankly, it is.
 
However, when I was in it, I felt so overwhelmed and insecure that I do think there was a touch of trauma involved.
 
It was most likely my own trauma from childhood bubbling up in a way I’ve still yet to fully understand as a mom even 15 years in, but I do think that being a mom was really hard for me in the beginning for a lot of reasons.
 
Postpartum depression hit me every time I had another baby as well as postpartum anxiety. I felt like I was an emotional mess barely keeping her head above water. And, some days I for sure was. There were days in the thick of new motherhood where I questioned my abilities, but also questioned my life choices.

And my biggest fear of all? I wasn’t enjoying new motherhood enough.

It’s always annoyed me that I felt this immense pressure to soak it all in and “enjoy ever second.” I hated that phrase. Still do. I know it’s well intentioned, and I totally understand the sentiment better now that the empty nest years are closer to my reality than the memories of the little kid years.

But, I was always afraid as a new mom.

I was afraid I was screwing it up.
I was afraid they would die.
I was afraid I yelled too much or didn’t have enough patience.
I was afraid when they would cry a little too long or cough in the night.
I was afraid my anxiety would be my undoing.
I was afraid I was traumatizing them in some way.
I was afraid if they missed a nap, or got a fever.
I was afraid that they were too messy, or fought too much, or were too emotional, or not emotional enough.

Lord have mercy I was afraid of all of it.

And because I seemed to focus on that perpetual state of fear back then, I was also afraid I was missing the good stuff. I was afraid I wasn’t enjoying them enough or soaking it in, or being present like I “should.”
 
But, today, 15 1/2 years in to being a mom, an old home video popped up in my Facebook memories. I was mesmerized as I always am now at what was happening in our little world when my kids were babies.
 
My youngest couldn’t walk yet, and was in his footed, zip up jammies, and my middle was next to me on the couch giggling as he tried out my back scratcher in his pajamas.
 
They looked fresh out of the bath, and the baby was kind of whining. It was background noise to me at the time. He was my third, and my focus was always split between three kids six and under. I watched the video with my middle who is about to become a teenager next month. We laughed at the way he said certain words, and the whole video was full of smiles and giggles.
 
new-motherhood-wrecked-me

circa 2011

I wasn’t in the frame of the video but I can picture her.

Tired. Hair probably in a messy bun at the end of a long day. A part of me was probably waiting for the clock to hit that magical time where I could put the kids in bed and have some rare alone time with my husband, or pass out in front of a TV show.
 
The furniture in the video is long gone now. The old box TV we used to have and the mismatched thrifted couch and chair. None of that is important, but it’s weird to take a step back into another time with a fresh perspective. We were younger. Poorer. And definitely inexperienced.
 
I could hear my voice in the video. Calm and patient. Laughing. Pointing out things to my middle child. Engaging with the baby. Tickling their bellies.
 
My son, almost a teenager laughed and smiled as we watched the video together and a thought came over me about my new motherhood experience that whispered to my heart, “See? You DID enjoy it.”

And, mamas I did enjoy it.

I watched that video with the eyes of a veteran mother that still struggles, but no longer feels totally incapable, inadequate, and riddled with guilt.
 
I watched it with the eyes of someone new. I’m not the same woman I was 10 or so years ago. Far from it in fact.
Motherhood wrecked me in the beginning. Maybe it even traumatized me a little to have the weight of these lives in my hands. It was a lot of responsibility and pressure. It still is.
 
But, I enjoyed it, y’all. I saw it in that video. I had a lot of moments like that too. Watching my kids. Video taping them. Taking pictures. Soaking it up. And those memories float back into my life now via old Facebook videos and photos and guess what? I get to enjoy it again.

It goes so fast, yes, but – this is SUPER important. The fact that it goes so fast is not the point.

The point is, if you’re feeling inadequate and scared and overwhelmed at the weight of motherhood, and you’re feeling the pressure of not enjoying it enough – just know that you are.
 
It may not feel like it when you’re in the middle of it, but I promise you you’re doing it.
 
You’re taking the pictures and breathing in heads after a bath, and you’re watching them closely and seeing them as they toddle around. You’re amazed at the things they learn despite your inadequacies, and you’re feeling those chubby toddler arms around your neck.
 
You tickle bellies and teach them about the world, and you read one more story when you can.
 
I promise you in the moment you may not feel good enough or strong enough or even sane enough. But, you are doing it. Every day. Even when your bones are tired and your soul is sucked dry. You’re doing it.
 
And I promise you – you’re enjoying it, too. Just the right amount.


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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

Perfection Pending on Instagram

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
"I don't care" as I literally care about every sin "I don't care" as I literally care about every single thing.
I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mea Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mean someone loves you that much to communicate them! Love this wisdom from @wittyidiot
NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a loved one. Or loss of a child. Those things are real, and they’re heart wrenching. And, this post is certainly not to compare that loss with the one I’m going to talk about.

But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

Psss - I am in grad school to become a therapist, and am not ashamed to ask that you subscribe to my paid substack. I just lowered the cost to $36/year! That's like $4/month and you'll have access to all my previous posts, and some new weekly short posts to give you ideas to help with balancing motherhood and your own mental health. I'm learning a lot in school, and will only continue to do so, so subscribe and we'll support each other. ❤️
This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣 This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣
Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon
I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and a dress with spaghetti straps and a Tshirt under it while you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong? 🤣 Life is wild. Teenagers are fun.
Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

#momspiration #momlife #funnymoms #memtalhealth #parentinglife #parentingquotes
"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

#perfecționism #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #imperfect #perfectpending #themotherload #thementalload
Mood. Mood.
Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
Probably a whole lot more to be honest. I bet you are too. #momlife #encouragement #momspiration
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