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By Meredith Ethington

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Anxiety Mental Health

The Side Effect of Being Happy Is Being Fat? Sign Me Up.

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This is one of those posts that I write for me, just as much as I write for you. It’s about mental health and our body size. It’s a topic I’ve had swirling around in my head a few days now, and one I wish I would have included in my book I have coming out this Spring about motherhood and mental health.

Most women hate their bodies at some point.

It’s a sad reality of American culture, especially if you grew up in the 80’s and 90’s. There’s a chance that the internalized fatphobia from the culture and the media infiltrated your psyche and you often dream of looking different than you do right now.

I’m no exception.

I’m a solid size 16. I’m the largest I’ve ever been. I can blame a lot of things to be honest. Poor genes (yep). Medication (yep). 2020 being a hellish year (yep). The weight has piled on the past few years sending me into my own spiral of self-loathing. I’m not happy with how I look. I wish I was thinner.

And yet, I also try to love myself. After all, the 40’s are when you’re supposed to stop caring about what others think and be comfortable in your own skin. In many many ways I am. But, in this one way, I can’t help but still struggle with loving my body. Some days I own my curves, and other days I despise them.

My Mental health meds are here to stay though.

I can’t tell you how many women I see in the comments sections of my posts about mental health meds talk about the weight gain. It SUCKS. The side effect of being happy is being fat? That seems criminal.

But, it’s the reality that many of us struggling with mental health issues deal with. We have to choose whether to have sanity or be able to fit into our size 10 (or 8, or 6) jeans.

There is one thing I know for sure, though and that is MY mental health meds are here to stay. I will choose over and over again a healthy mind over being thin.

Recently, I saw this old picture of me from years ago when I was about 40 lbs lighter. I have a big smile on my face and I’m doing something active. (Sorry this photo is from my digital frame but you get the point.)

One might assume that because I’m thinner, I’m happier. But, the truth is that there were days when I felt I was drowning in my own mind. I hated who I was. I was in constant OCD loops. I was in constant inner turmoil. I was angry. I wasn’t in therapy. I was yelling at my kids.

I’m not that person anymore inside or out. Yeah, I’m a little jealous of my thinner biceps. But, I bet that girl would be even more jealous of the happiness and peace in my mind. In fact, I know she would. I know the younger me would be jealous of the calm, loving approach I can take to my relationships.

And the even tempered mother I am today. Some days I’m even straight up chill.

I wouldn’t go back to being her if you paid me.

We have to stop fat shaming ourselves. Especially if we struggle with depression and anxiety.

Fat shaming myself is easy. It’s what I’m used to. It’s actually a part of who I am. I’ve been fat shaming myself since I was in high school and my thighs started touching.

I fat shamed myself through college. I fat shamed myself during pregnancies. And I’ve fat shamed myself through yo-yo dieting. I fat shame myself with every photo I take and every bite I put into my mouth.

The worst part is, that fat shaming is easier than loving your fat body. For those of us that struggle with mental health and struggle with our weight, It’s a comfortable spot to be in to berate yourself into action. But, also, fat shaming is easier because everyone around you makes it easy too.

People make comments. Not directly to you, but you hear them.

Like recently when a family member made a comment about a girl he dated in high school briefly that had gotten “really fat.” He claimed he “dodged a bullet with that one.” I saw a picture of her. She was about my size. My 16 year old daughter overheard the whole conversation.

Yeah, fat shaming myself is easy. I can do that forever. But speaking up when someone is fat shaming is so much harder. Loving myself when I hear comments like that? It feels impossible.

I can pick apart his gorgeous photo so easily. Posting it here for the whole world to see without making excuses for the weird angle or billowing shirt is so much harder.

Women need to stop sacrificing their mental health for skinnier bodies.

The number of women I see in the comments of my posts about mental health issues saying they stopped their meds because they gained weight, or they were too scared to try meds because they might gain weight is not surprising.

I have felt this way too.

But, you know what else I’ve felt? I have also felt hot rage spilling uncontrollably out of my body and into the psyches of my children when my mental health wasn’t under control.

I felt the pain in my child’s face as I’m screaming at them and out of my mind with anxiety and stress.

I’ve felt the pain of the inability to get out of bed, or the pull to immediately get right back in it from crippling depression.

I would rather be fat.

The ACEs Study

I think I’ve been thinking about this topic of body size and mental health mostly because this week in my graduate program we are talking about childhood trauma, and specifically Adverse Childhood Experiences known as ACEs in the mental health world.

There was a huge study done in the late 90’s by Kaiser Permanente and the CDC where they studied adults suffering from health conditions and surveyed them about early childhood trauma. The reason this study came about in the first place was because of a doctor that met a young woman struggling with her weight. She was over 400 lbs and in her 20s.

He helped her lose the weight and keep it off for a while super proud of what they had accomplished.

Then he watched as she gained back 37 pounds in like 3 weeks when she was triggered at work by a sexual advance from an older man.

He was stunned. Then she quickly put it all back on – yes all 400 lbs within a year. After doing some questioning, baffled at this quick regression, she admitted to years of childhood sexual abuse by a grandfather. After that, the ACEs study was born.

What are Adverse Childhood Experiences?

If you want to read about childhood trauma (ACEs) in depth, I highly recommend starting at the CDC website where you’ll find studies, resources, questionnaires, etc. But, in short, the CDC has identified 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences that can have long-lasting negative impacts on physical health and well-being. They are listed as follows:

  1. Abuse
    1. Physical
    2. Emotional
    3. Sexual
  2. Neglect
    1. Physical
    2. Emotional
  3. Household Dysfunction
    1. Mental Illness
    2. Incarcerated Relative
    3. Mother Treated Violently
    4. Substance Abuse
    5. Divorce

1 in 8 adults have been found to have 4 (or more) ACEs. And the negative impact of having 4 or more ACEs is staggering. Your life expectancy can be affected by being 20 years shorter. You are also 2.4 times more likely to have a stroke, 7 times more likely to be an alcoholic, and TWELVE times more likely to attempt suicide that someone with no ACEs.

Why aren’t we talking about early childhood trauma all the time?

If you struggle with past trauma, and mental illness, there’s a chance your body is also struggling.

I score high on the ACEs questionnaire myself. I know I use food to cope sometimes. I know past traumas (and trauma I’ve experienced in the last couple of years) is contributing to my weight. But, even if I didn’t use food to cope sometimes, my body still holds onto trauma. All of our bodies do.

So, while we might be tempted to beat ourselves up for eating a sleeve of oreos on a triggering day, we have to remember that the trauma is not our fault. Trauma happens to us, and our bodies remember.

My body has been stuck in flight or fight mode for my entire life. Generalized Anxiety disorder is exactly that. When you’re stuck in flight or fight mode, your body and brain actually, physically change. The physical effects are astounding. I could go into all the science-y stuff behind trauma, but suffice it to say, that my point isn’t to do a deep dive into science, it’s to tell you that it’s OK if your body is helping you survive.

It’s OK if your body is helping you make it through a day.

This isn’t an excuse to be fat. It’s just a reality that many of us struggle with.

Here’s my disclaimer – being physically healthy IS important. We do need to eat better. Exercise. Try to get out of unhealthy habits, etc. This post isn’t an excuse to stop doing those walks, or to eat more oreos. I still have fitness goals. I still try to eat better.

The point is that our mental health matters just as much as the physical and for some of us, the mental health trumps being thin. Some of us need our mental health to be in check so we can stay alive.

What outsiders think about your body has nothing to do with you.

I write this post because I’m telling myself this as much as the next person. You, me, all of us deserve happiness and mental well-being.

Maybe your body is putting on pounds because of your meds. So what? Your mind is better. You’re happy. You have a desire to LIVE.

Maybe your body is putting on pounds because of trauma. Not ideal, but also not the end of the world. Therapy can help. Your body is protecting you from your past (or your present.) Everyone deserves to feel safe.

Maybe you were born with genes that just don’t allow for thighs that don’t touch. I’m with you. It’s OK. We are all different and beautiful and unique. Life is too short to waste trying to be someone we’re not.

If you’ve been putting off trying the meds even though your mental health is a mess, don’t. I promise mental wellness trumps being skinny every single time.

I’m tired of fat shaming myself.

I imagine I’ll always wish I was a bit thinner. But, I don’t want to beat myself up about it anymore. I love the progress I’ve made for my mental health. I’ve advocated for my mental well-being for years, and it’s one thousand percent worth the fight.

I’ve been the angry mom, the anxious mom, and the depressed mom. Panic attacks, and outbursts were my go to for so many years. I didn’t want to get on meds. I took daily naps to avoid my responsibilities because I was depressed. I didn’t want to talk to a complete stranger about my trauma. I still struggle opening up about it sometimes to my therapist I’ve been seeing for two years now.

But, the fight I fight every single day to move towards wellness in my mind is so much better than having thighs that don’t touch or a flat stomach. I plead for all the mamas struggling to stop putting being thin above being mentally well.

You won’t regret it. I promise.


9 Comments

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Comments

  1. Laura Long says

    January 20, 2023 at 10:33 am

    Thank you!!!

    Reply
  2. Angela says

    January 20, 2023 at 2:43 pm

    Thank you for this amazing article it spoke volumes to me! I have been on all sorts of meds for anxiety and depression since I was 16 and have gained 100 pounds off and on but I know meds help me be not only a better me but a better mom to my babies. Thanks again ❤️

    Reply
  3. Susan says

    January 21, 2023 at 7:49 am

    Brilliant! A gift to many. Thank you

    Reply
  4. Lynsey says

    January 21, 2023 at 8:46 am

    I’m not a mom, but this is so incredibly helpful for me to put things in perspective. I graduated college last year and since then I’ve gained a lot of weight – my mother is now constantly asking me about how my “weight loss” is going. I want to ask her, can’t you see that I’m happier than I ever have been? Why can’t you appreciate that? Why can’t you appreciate me no matter what my body looks like?
    What you wrote here resonates so much with me. Thank you.

    Reply
  5. Pam Robinson says

    January 21, 2023 at 3:47 pm

    Thankyou 8 had thyroid out due to cancer thyroid controlsetabolism slow metabolism equals weight gain I also had 3 kids ans am on apriprosol mitrazipne propranol vortioxitne for depression anxiety ocd my diagnosis was borderline personality disorder a lot of my depression came from body image I was thin one day fat the next tried all sorts of diets the gym diet pills to no avail am still fat don’t overeat and diet pretty healthy but unlike you the taboo around body image and how I should look eats, me up fat over happiness u said I carnt be happy and fat it really affects my mh

    Reply
  6. Beth says

    January 22, 2023 at 11:18 am

    This really hit home. Thank you. ❤️

    Reply
  7. Lynn says

    January 23, 2023 at 7:08 am

    Thank you for this! Many many people need this affirming message. I needed it. I can relate to your reasons for getting on meds, I had the same struggles. I put my kids and husband first and decided meds were necessary. I probably wouldn’t have done it just for myself, but they metaphorically hold up a mirror for me to see myself as I am. It’s hard to deny disordered behavior after that. I need the meds and I’m ok with that, learning to love my weight because of them isn’t as easy. I remind myself that it’s worth it, I’m definitely more lovable this way. Wishing you happiness and wholeness.

    Reply
  8. cristy white says

    January 25, 2023 at 8:57 am

    I needed this. Thank you.

    Reply
  9. Kathy K. says

    January 25, 2023 at 3:57 pm

    Thank you! I’m 70 years now and can still relate, still struggling sometimes because I’d childhood trauma that most say I should be over. I raised two children, now in their 40s. One doing much better than I with a masters in contemplative psychotherapy, loving husband and 3 boys. Other? 42 with a masters and no job. Geez

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

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Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
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Meredith Ethington
I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored
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This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
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Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
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