To the mom that feels robbed by her anxiety,
I know that some days you struggle to get out of bed because you’re so tired from being up all night with worry.
I know that you struggle to get out of bed because sometimes it just all seems like more than you can handle.
I know you feel sad that you’re missing it when your kids lay their heads down and finally close their eyes for the night. I know you feel regret in those moments.
I know you struggle with a noisy brain full of what if’s and worse case scenarios. Everything from whether or not your baby is getting enough sleep and eating enough to whether or not you’re ruining your kids permanently and everything in between.
I know you worry your kids will suffer from your anxiety.
They will miss out. They will feel fear. Or they will be robbed of childhood because you couldn’t let go enough.
I know you are crippled some days, frozen by an inability to do anything because there are so many things to do.
I know that you wish to be different. You will yourself to stop worrying and overthinking and overanalyzing. But, you can’t help it. And you feel ashamed.
I know you struggle with wondering if you’re enjoying motherhood enough because everyone tells you you should, but some days you can’t find the silver lining in any of it.
I know that you take on the emotions of your kids more than some moms do.
You feel pain when they do, and anger when they lash out.
I know you want so badly to be different. To just be calm in your own mind and heart. You long for an easy going relaxed personality, and ultimately feel depressed for never being able to get there.
I know these things, because I am you. I have felt all of these things deep in the darkest parts of my soul.
I have yelled and sobbed and felt like my kids would be better off with someone else.
But, listen to me – your kids love you. They need you.
They will become compassionate and empathetic because of your example and maybe even because of your struggles.
Be honest with them when it’s age appropriate. But tell them the truth.
They just see mama. They don’t see a mom that struggles with anxiety. They don’t know the difference, and no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that they would be better off, they wouldn’t. They want you. Only you.
You’re good enough for them. Perfect even.
I know what you’re thinking – IMPOSSIBLE. I yelled today and lost my shit, and they deserve better.
They don’t. They need the mama that they were given. You may be struggling and imperfect, but to them you are everything.
And it can get better. There is always hope. There is help. There are people that know how you feel, and there actually are better days ahead even when it feels impossible to climb whatever mountain you’re currently struggling to get over.
Just hang on. Give yourself grace, and see yourself the way your child sees you.