Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Encouragement Motherhood Parenting teens and tweens

Motherhood is Magic. But, It’s Also Pain.

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Last night I woke up in a sweat from a  bad dream. My daughter was being taken away from me. Put into foster care because people were questioning whether or not I was a fit mother. The details are fuzzy, as dreams often are, but I didn’t feed her enough. She was underweight. And someone reported me through the school system. 

The dream felt so real that when I woke up, it was an immediate relief. 

My daughter is 14. 

Yet, somehow my subconscious mind was, and probably always will be, wrestling with whether or not I’m a good mother. 

Whether I’m fit enough. Whether I’m capable. Whether or not I’m ruining them or not. 

The thing is, now that my kids are getting older, I think I question myself more than ever. Before when they were babies, I could see the magic in every day moments. 

The toddler saying, “I wuv you, Mommy.” for the first time. 

Teaching them to walk, and what it means to say thank you and please. 

The jumping in puddles and looking for grasshoppers on long walks around the block to kill time. 

The kissing of boo boos and the fixing of scraped knees seems somehow now like a magical time. 

The fact that I even get to be a mama feels magical some days still. 

But, as they grow, the pain grows too. The magic slips away a little more. 

Sure, there are magical moments. But, they are farther and fewer between as we navigate teenage kids and tweens that are finding their own way. 

There is more conflict. Not over who has whose toy, but about whether or not they are grown up enough to walk somewhere on their own, or stay up late with friends and still make it to school the next day. 

Whether or not one is being more annoying than the other. 

We butt heads constantly, and I find myself falling asleep exhausted. 

Not the same as those early years where the exhaustion was so physical from the demands of little babes saying, “hold you.” when they meant, “hold me.” 

Not the same as the long years through breastfeeding and sleepless nights. 

Not the same as the constant teaching of how to eat, how to sleep, and whether or not they should wear pants. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But, an exhaustion down to my core – am I good enough? Are they learning enough? Will they be able to be set free? 

I worry about their friendships, or lack thereof. 

I worry about screen time, and smart phones, and how one of them will be driving before I know it. 

I worry about whether or not I’m pushing too hard on academics, and whether or not I’m teaching my youngest the value of hard work. 

These things are mentally exhausting, and the balls to juggle are less magical. 

I am exhausted wondering who they will be. What if they fail?

What if I’ve failed. 

I’m looking back with rose colored glasses, of course. Everything about the baby and toddler years was not magic at all. 

But, these years are hard, too. They are magical sometimes. But, mostly hard.

And it’s during these hard years that it feels more painful. The pain of watching a breakup with a friend. The pain of watching them fail. The pain of watching them struggle. The pain of disappointing them. The pain of having to say no, even when you want to say yes because you know it’s for their good. 

Motherhood is magic, but it’s also pain. 

I know the magic will come back one day as they do amazing things. I know the payoff will be worth it. I know that they will make me proud, grow, surprise me, and do things like marry, and build careers, and hopefully have grandkids one day that will bring the magic back full circle. 

But, I wish we could talk about the pain more. I don’t know why. I guess it’s because the magic is the highlight reel, and the pain underneath is where the real growth in motherhood happens. 

It’s where I learn patience and that I can’t control everything. 

It’s where I learn to sit back and watch. 

It’s where I learn to comfort a pain that I can’t take away. 

The pain is where I learn to be “Mom” instead of “Mommy.” 

It’s where I learn to let go of my own insecurities and trust that it will all work out somehow. Maybe. But, if not, that’s going to teach me something, too. 

The pain is where I accept that they don’t need me as much, too. 

It’s where I learn to find me again, because for a while there I may have lost her. 

Maybe that’s magic, too. 


2 Comments

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Why Sometimes I Let My Kids Quit »

Comments

  1. Branwyn Pinkerton says

    October 2, 2020 at 7:32 am

    I too have a fourteen-year-old daughter and I really appreciated this post. Thank you.

    Reply
  2. Heather says

    October 3, 2020 at 4:34 am

    I absolutely love your honesty. I have these moments too and my son is only 7. Our current struggle is with him reading. I work it up in my head the fear of him never learning to read. My husband reminds me it’s crazy talk and that everyone eventually learns to read. Kind of like how I used to remind myself that 15 year olds don’t wear diapers (oh the struggles of potty training) 😆 so instead I try to remind myself to pray. I pray for his reading, friends and future. I pray he has godly friends that encourage him in his journey of faith and to encourage him to make positive decisions. I pray for him to learn what it takes to be successful in life (which doesn’t always include money)…but real success…joy, peace, family, friends and faith. I pray that God help me to be the best mom I can be and to make me more like Jesus because I’m still a work in progress myself.

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

Perfection Pending on Instagram

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Meredith Ethington
Working on figuring out my mission as we speak. ❤️
Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebblei Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebbleice #adhd #momlifebelike
Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. Here are a f Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. 

Here are a few things I’d tell you if I could call you all up: 

❤️ It’s ok to say no to things.

❤️ Your kiddos don’t need perfection - they need real. Emotional, Messy, flawed, etc. It helps them know their emotions are valid. 

❤️ Having anxiety or depression does not mean you’re an inadequate parent. 

❤️ Never be ashamed of asking for help or going on medication if necessary. 

❤️Kids can be draining. Take time for yourself. I promise you’ll be able to be a better, more present parent if you do this. 

❤️ Boundaries are your friend. People that make you feel like you’re not enough are not. 

Hang in there. It doesn’t get easier - like at all. But you get stronger.
I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process feelings of never measuring up and feeling lIke someone else would do it better than me. 
I don’t feel like this very often anymore. But I know that there are plenty of mothers out there that do. You aren’t alone. 
The experience of Motherhood is definitely something that humbles even the most confident mothers. 
I wasn’t one to have much confidence once I began but I got there eventually. 
If you’re in this headspace of wondering if you’re enough I’m here to tell you:
1. You are. 
2. This is NORMAL. 
3. This post is for you. 
Read it on my substack now and consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. ❤️ It supports me as I hopefully support you.
I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ik Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ikeahack #jokesfordays
This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
Yup. 😂 @themumcrew Yup. 😂 @themumcrew
Best thrift find ever. 😂 Best thrift find ever. 😂
Mental health matters. ❤️ Mental health matters. ❤️
You get the full tour if you’re my friend. You get the full tour if you’re my friend.
Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑 Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑
Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
Love this so much. @nellie_scales Love this so much. @nellie_scales
If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, conside If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber on Substack where you won’t miss any of my posts. Here’s the latest - link in profile. 

#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #mentalhealthawareness #stopthestigmamentalillness
For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. My latest on substack. ❤️ Link in profile
Truth right here. Truth right here.
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