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Parenting Parenting Tips

Why Sometimes I Let My Kids Quit

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I don’t mind raising a quitter. Sometimes I let my kids quit. Sometimes I even encourage it.

It seems like modern parenting makes us believe that it’s suddenly the responsibility of the parent to figure out what their child would be passionate about at the ripe old age of three years old. When I was three years old, I’m pretty sure all I cared about was poking my baby sister in the eyeballs, and eating lots of cheese.

Yet, I find myself in discussions with other parents all the time about the extra curricular activities that our kids are in.

Sometimes it’s coordinating carpool conversations, and other times, it’s lamenting over whether or not one should force their child to keep playing soccer because he’s really good at it.

A few years ago, I noticed my son picking out songs on the piano. He was playing by ear and had not taken a piano lesson in his life. I thought to myself, “My kid loves music. I need him to get into piano lessons.”

So, we did. Every week he loved going to his lessons where he got a piece of candy and some one on one attention from his teacher, but then every day was a battle to make him practice.

After days and days in a row of his tears, and my patience waning thin, I finally just let him quit.

He’s now 11 and he’s taking piano again and doing great, but seeing him cry every day back then wasn’t worth it to me.

sometimes-I-let-my-kids-quit

Some kids have too many passions

However, my daughter has a passion (or thinks she does) for everything. She loves to rock climb, ski, river raft, play the piano, play the clarinet, wants to try soccer and do gymnastics, etc.

She is also an avid reader, good at math, and loves art. If you mention an extra curricular activity to her, she’ll say that yes, she’s wanted to do that her whole entire life.

Do you know how much horse back riding lessons cost? I do. She’s the type of kid that just loves trying everything. And, frankly, she’s good at a lot of stuff that she tries, too.

One year, she was doing piano, band, and gymnastics, and was also going to be in the school play. She was busy. And, she was only ten years old.

As I shuttled her around in the car, I realized that it’s exactly the opposite of what I wanted for my kids.

I want carefree afternoons after homework is done, and instead, I feel like a drill sergeant helping her stay on task so she can go take part in the myriad of activities I’ve agreed to let her do this year.

As I talked to a friend one day, I wondered how you help your kids find their passion, and how to know when to let your kids quit? And, when to say no because you’re already overbooked.

When my son wanted to quit piano, I was fine with it mostly because the time and energy it took me to force the practicing was so draining, my own attitude about it was suffering.

But, my friend was taking the approach that her son needed to stick to what he committed to already, and she would reward him with play when he got his responsibility done.

Does letting a kid quit teach him that it’s OK to quit things that are hard, or is it more a matter of the fact that they jut haven’t found their true passion yet?

There really is no simple answer.

But, here’s why I sometimes let my kids quit.

When kids are young, it may not be time. 

Sometimes, I still don’t know what my passion is and I’m 43 years old. Just last week, I decided I wanted to make this big art project and I put everything else on hold and ran out and bought supplies and completed it in a few hours.

When my kids were only 10 and 7 I had the attitude that they have their whole lives to find their passion. If they hate piano when they are five and also learning how to read, then so be it. It’s not the end of the world.

There are other ways to teach hard work.

My kids work hard in school, and they work hard at home doing chores and helping out around the house. Yes, I think it’s important to work hard at everything that they do, but if they don’t love practicing piano, that doesn’t mean they don’t know how to work hard.

There are plenty of other ways to teach kids the value of hard work besides through extra curricular activities.

Once the commitment is over, we reassess.

I totally get why some parents have their kids commit to things, and don’t want to see their kid quit because it’s about following through on their commitment.

My rule of thumb is to lay out guidelines ahead of time about what the commitment is. I set a time limit like, “You have to stick with this for three months.” Or “If I pay for this, you have to stick with it through the end of the year.” We can always reassess when they have followed through with their commitment.

Sometimes the family commitment is just too great.

With all that my daughter has going on that one year when she was 10, we had many talks with her that at some point, she will have to make a choice. For the kid that loves doing everything like my daughter, that doesn’t mean she should get to do everything.

We are a family of 3 kids that all have extracurricular activities going on, so if everyone did everything they wanted all of the time, our lives would be even more of a three ring circus than it already is.

Sometimes I let my kids quit because it’s just not possible to do everything we want.

We aren’t aiming for the Olympics or anything.

I think many parents get too caught up in wanting their child to be the best, and we lose sight of the fact that it takes a special type of parent to get their kid to the Olympics or to a world renowned level of anything. Parents are ruining youth sports in some ways, too. 

Sure, I’d love it if my child wanted to achieve that kind of greatness, but the truth of the matter is, our focus as a family is elsewhere right now.

I let my kids quit because I want a normal childhood for my kids. Whatever that means.

If one of my kids finds a true passion that they are willing to spend hours a day practicing, then maybe I’ll reconsider, but for now, we’re still just hoping to teach them how to put their dirty clothes in the hamper. Extracurricular activities are just a fun bonus.

I guess my point is this, sometimes I let my kids quit, and try something new because that’s what kids do.

They are supposed to be exploring the world, trying new things, and learning what they really love. For me, I’m OK with a “quitter” if it means that eventually, they will find what they truly love and be all the happier for it.


10 Comments

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Comments

  1. Crystal says

    October 12, 2016 at 7:19 pm

    I love this. It’s not easy to decide when to follow through and when to bail, but it’s actually an important life skill. Quitting teaches them priorities!

    Reply
  2. Nicole says

    October 14, 2016 at 9:55 pm

    I agree that piano practice is difficult and I think it’s important to assess your family’s time. But just because practice is draining for the mom isn’t necessarily a reason to quit!

    Reply
  3. Bryce Warden says

    October 15, 2016 at 12:20 pm

    Yes!!! I limit my kids activities they are 11 and 13. Our priorities are homework and dinner at the table, every night. The rule here is if you start something you need to stay with it for the season but if you don’t like it you never have to do it again.

    Reply
  4. Marielle says

    October 17, 2016 at 6:51 am

    This is great. We are just having this conversation about some activities and have decided to reassess after the commitment is over. It is hard and yet so important to find balance and keep perspective with these little guys! Thanks!

    Reply
  5. Elizabeth says

    October 17, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Meredith,

    You’ve attempted to answer one of the most difficult questions ever. I was definitely raised in a home where we “couldn’t quit” and I knew I sucked and never improved no matter how many hours of practice was put into an activity. Having said that, I once read somewhere that we become passionate about the things we are good at. That was a game changer for me.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 17, 2016 at 9:34 pm

      It’s definitely not easy! It’s hard to know what the best choice is!

      Reply
  6. Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says

    October 18, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    I have SO many thoughts on this. (You call yourself a ‘drill sergeant,’ I call myself a ‘cruise director.’)

    One thought is that kids have a very long life. They don’t have to find their passion and have won two gold medals in it by age 18 or you have failed as a parent. Which is how we are often made to feel. It’s good to help them explore their interests but they have a lot of life left after leaving home to continue to direct their energies on their own.

    The other is that I think overscheduling your little kids is kind of nutty, but as kids get older I think they need to have a passion of some sort and be involved in something bigger than themselves, both for the purposes of having self-confidence and for the simple reason that idle teenagers get into trouble.

    I just wish that things weren’t so crazy with kids’ activities. You can’t even join the soccer team at 12 anymore because you’ll be light years behind everyone else who has been playing since 5 minutes after they exited the womb. And in junior high some sports hold practices for 2 hours after school EVERY DAY from Monday through Friday. I’m so sad that my 7th grade already has to “specialize” in something and can’t explore all her interests – to me, that’s what childhood is for. You choose a major in college, not 7th grade.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 18, 2016 at 1:53 pm

      I agree with you! I feel like my kids see other kids doing so much and feel like they should too!

      Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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