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By Meredith Ethington

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Inspiration Mom Life Parenting

To The Natural Born Wallflowers And People Pleasers

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I think some of us are better than others at not caring what people think of us. I think in some of us, it’s hardwired to be strong and fierce or self-confident and independent. Some of us are born that way, and some of us aren’t.

Some of us look too often to others for approval. We want to fade into the background because we are the natural born wallflowers. When we feel safe, we come out and show our true selves, but at other times we are content just letting others shine.

It’s possible that we too were born that way, or maybe we were conditioned to make ourselves smaller.

Not make waves. Make sure everyone else is comfortable. We don’t want people mad at us, and we don’t want others to not like us. Maybe it wasn’t safe for us to be ourselves, so we morphed into something else.

It’s even been said that childhood trauma can create people pleasers so that we feel safe in our own environments. 

Sometimes the people that are strong, fierce, and self-confident say to us – “What people think of you is none of your business!” or “Just stop caring what others think, that’s what I did!”

They mean well. They are trying to empower us to be strong and move on. To let go of the perceptions we can’t control and to fight the urge to please everyone.

But, for those of you who are like me – who care even when you don’t want to, who feel insecure even though you are just as talented, and for those who shrink because you think it’s safer that way, I want you to know you’re not alone if you continue to struggle with that part of yourself.

Everyone wants to belong.

Even the independent ones although they have a harder time admitting it, they too seek out groups like them. It’s a natural thing to want to fit into a box, a group, a community.

I’m in my forties and while I am growing S L O W L Y into someone who cares less and less what others think; I still care about making those around me comfortable and seek outside validation when I shouldn’t.

Many of us, myself included, still struggle believing that we’re allowed to stand out and make different choices than those around us – even if others won’t understand.

I feel the need to justify my actions or make others understand my point of view. But, I’m seeing how I’m outgrowing my groups and communities that used to make me feel the safest because I’m growing into myself.

to-the-natural-born-wallflowers-and-people-pleasers

People pleasing and shrinking small serves everyone around you except you.

You forget how to ask yourself what YOU want. The truth is, YOU can decide who to be, how to act, what to wear, etc. because you’re a grown adult. By shrinking, you forget that what you feel in your gut and in your soul matters – even if it’s not what everyone else around you thinks or believes.

Sometimes, you must step out into the uncomfortable place even when your mind is screaming at you to stay put. Because your heart and your soul are screaming louder to be unapologetically you. Even if it means disappointing others.

So, yes – some of us are born wallflowers and people pleasers.

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We genuinely don’t want to make waves, cause a fuss, or make other people uncomfortable. We definitely don’t want to disappoint anyone.

But, as Glennon says in Untamed, “Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”

I think for those of us that are natural born wallflowers, we will eventually become tired of making everyone else around us happy except ourselves. So, change WILL come eventually. We will eventually learn that disappointing ourselves is damaging to our souls. 

But, if you’re struggling learning to let go of that wall, or let go of disappointing others, you’re not alone. Because – same.

Maybe being stuck in this people pleasing pattern is just showing me that I am and always will be a late bloomer. It’s fine. I’ve been stuck on the wall a little too long. Being a people please and being stuck on the wall has helped me serve others for a long time (which isn’t a bad thing.)

But, maybe it’s time to disappoint some people and learn to be OK with it.

Maybe it’s time to finally bloom.


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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

Perfection Pending on Instagram

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Meredith Ethington
Working on figuring out my mission as we speak. ❤️
Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebblei Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebbleice #adhd #momlifebelike
Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. Here are a f Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. 

Here are a few things I’d tell you if I could call you all up: 

❤️ It’s ok to say no to things.

❤️ Your kiddos don’t need perfection - they need real. Emotional, Messy, flawed, etc. It helps them know their emotions are valid. 

❤️ Having anxiety or depression does not mean you’re an inadequate parent. 

❤️ Never be ashamed of asking for help or going on medication if necessary. 

❤️Kids can be draining. Take time for yourself. I promise you’ll be able to be a better, more present parent if you do this. 

❤️ Boundaries are your friend. People that make you feel like you’re not enough are not. 

Hang in there. It doesn’t get easier - like at all. But you get stronger.
I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process feelings of never measuring up and feeling lIke someone else would do it better than me. 
I don’t feel like this very often anymore. But I know that there are plenty of mothers out there that do. You aren’t alone. 
The experience of Motherhood is definitely something that humbles even the most confident mothers. 
I wasn’t one to have much confidence once I began but I got there eventually. 
If you’re in this headspace of wondering if you’re enough I’m here to tell you:
1. You are. 
2. This is NORMAL. 
3. This post is for you. 
Read it on my substack now and consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. ❤️ It supports me as I hopefully support you.
I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ik Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ikeahack #jokesfordays
This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
Yup. 😂 @themumcrew Yup. 😂 @themumcrew
Best thrift find ever. 😂 Best thrift find ever. 😂
Mental health matters. ❤️ Mental health matters. ❤️
You get the full tour if you’re my friend. You get the full tour if you’re my friend.
Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑 Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑
Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
Love this so much. @nellie_scales Love this so much. @nellie_scales
If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, conside If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber on Substack where you won’t miss any of my posts. Here’s the latest - link in profile. 

#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #mentalhealthawareness #stopthestigmamentalillness
For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. My latest on substack. ❤️ Link in profile
Truth right here. Truth right here.
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