Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Encouragement Friendship In the Motherhood Inspiration Mom Life Motherhood Parenting Parenting Tips

If You Find Yourself Saying, I Want A Best Friend, You’re Not Alone. Here’s How To Find One.

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Honestly? It’s really hard to find a close mom friend. We all say to ourselves, “I want a best friend.” 

I never realized how hard making mom friends would be in adulthood. I had always made friends easily as a kid. It came naturally to me. Yet, as a mom, it has been so. much. harder. 

In early motherhood I spent many hours, in a cramped two bedroom apartment, crying as milk poured from my sore boobs and I tried to figure out how to take care of my baby. 

There were a few online message boards that I sometimes used, but Facebook (or any social media for that matter) didn’t exist yet. For the most part, I sat alone, with no family close by, and learned how to be a mom all by myself.

I called my sister, who lived in another state, a lot for advice or just to cry, but I longed for a mom friend that I could hang out with. 

lonely woman sitting alone on bed

I was a stay at home mom, suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety and was bored out of my mind. Oh how I wish I had even on online network back then to reach out to other mom friends and find a bestie to come sit on my couch while our babies played. Or to swap child care with me on the rare occasion we would try to have a date night. 

Maybe it could have given me the chance to have a late night vent session online with someone that was also up at 2AM breastfeeding. 

I’ve come a long way since then. I have a writing career that fulfills me, I shuttle my kids around to their various activities and make small talk (which I hate) with the other moms at the soccer field. And now, my kids are growing up and want to spend way less time with me these days anyway. 

But, newsflash — the loneliness of motherhood doesn’t go away when your kids get bigger. You still want and NEED mom friends. Maybe more than ever.

You need mom friends in early motherhood, but parenting older kids is just as lonely.

We all just want a best friend. 

As my kids have gotten older, I’ve realized that the few friends I have are just as busy as I am. So it’s almost impossible to make a date with a mom friend. I’ve been texting one friend for almost three weeks now just trying to find a time where we both aren’t insanely busy where we could meet for lunch for a little bit. 

two mom friends enjoying coffee

So what happens is that it’s harder to form those close, best friend like bonds when you’re all so damn busy that you can barely keep your heads above water.

And the problems are bigger when your kids are tweens and teens. You need your people more than ever. We need a best friend to cry on the phone with our kids fail their first test, or their friends ditch them when they get to middle school. 

We need a mom friend who will help us realize our kids aren’t the only ones screwing up and it’s not our fault. 

Having mom friends in adulthood, that are going through a similar stage as you is like a life-line. 

Whether you’re in the baby stage of being up all night, or you’re approaching your empty nest years, having a mom friend can be what keeps you sane. 

In a 2009 study, Bernard Rime found that what we all really need and want is someone to listen to our problems. And when we have someone to vent to, it lowers our cortisol levels and stress hormones. So yeah — parenting is stressful, and a mom friend to share in that stress would help. A lot. 

Another study done in 2019 found that when the mother of a child had more friends and social activity, that the child actually had better cognitive development. So instead of feeling guilty about finding a friend for yourself — do it for your kids. It might just make them smarter. 

And, if you need even more proof, another study in 2017 revealed that having close friends over just acquaintances actually has major health benefits. Like — you might just live longer. 

So how do you make a best friend when you’re a mom, and how long does it take? 

Ah, the million dollar question. How do I make mom friends? It takes some serious time and guts. Yes, guts. 

Someone has to make the first move. I’m sure that we’ve all experienced meeting a mom at the library, or park, or wherever and have had our minds start racing with thoughts that look something like this  — “This is it! This is the mom friend I’ve been looking for. It’s the unicorn. Someone just like me that has kids the same age and likes the same things and totally gets my sarcasm!” 

Yet for some dumb reason, when it’s time for you to part ways, you do nothing. You don’t ask to meet up again. You don’t ask for her number. You just walk away. And forever daydream about that best mom friend that could have been. 

I’ve been there. Trust me. It takes guts to put yourself out there, and honestly, it’s a lot like dating. Someone has to take the risk. Someone has to make the first move. And you have to get over the face that they could be a serial killer (OK — maybe only my mind goes to that one.) 

The hardest part is — that making a good, close mom friend takes time. 

In 2018, Business Insider published an article reporting that one study concluded that it took roughly 200 hours to make a close friend. Ouch. 

And before you can consider someone even a casual friend? At least a 50 hour investment. YIKES. 

Is it any wonder that making mom friends is so hard? Moms are busy. We’re exhausted. We’re overwhelmed. We have chores and jobs and responsibilities. Investing 200 hours into someone is, well, a lot. 

Honestly at the end of a long day with kids, the last thing I want to do is invest time talking. I’ve talked all day. I just want silence. 

But, it sounds like the return on our investment could come through in a big way (hello living longer and having a bitch buddy!) That is the rewards are big if we can make the time and put in the effort.

Because close relationships have bigger rewards than casual ones. 

Two Mothers Meeting For Play Date With Babies At Home In Loft Apartment

One of the biggest reasons I see that making a close, best friend is so hard is you have to find and maintain a reciprocal relationship. 

Again — friendship is a lot like dating. At some point, you might have to drop a friend, or maybe they’re going to drop you. And it still stings and hurts, even in adulthood. I know from personal experience. 

Women still get ghosted in adulthood. We have a falling out. Or sometimes, sadly, you just outgrow each other. 

As we age, we’re changing too. Sometimes that means that you just grow apart from the mom friends you had when you were younger. Sometimes, I hate to say it, but that unicorn mom friend that you met at the park may just not be that into you. 

I try not to take it personally when a mom friend doesn’t call or text for a while. But, in some friendships, there’s just one person putting in all the effort. That’s when it’s time to invest your time elsewhere. 

The number one thing that has worked for me in making mom friends is this:

You have to be willing to put yourself out there. No, the unicorn mom friend is not going to come knocking at your door while you’re crying into your coffee with the kids at your feet. 

So this means putting yourself out there physically AND being vulnerable enough to make the first move. 

It’s scary as hell. I’ve done it a few times. 

One time I met a good friend in line at the school carnival. We were both waiting to buy our kids cotton candy and instantly bonded over how much we hated the school carnival. I blurted out — “We should hang out sometime!” and she was like “YES!” She’s still a good friend to this day. 

I have met mom friends at the school library, local mom meet up groups, at the park, and online. But, for the most part, I was the one that sheepishly asked for the number, or asked to hang out again. 

But, you know what? It worked. 

I guarantee you that there is someone in your community right now that desperately wants a mom friend as much as you do. 

You have to be willing to take risks, open yourself up, invest time, and be vulnerable. It’s hard for those of us that tend to be more introverted. But, I guarantee you, having that mom friend that will lower your cortisol on a hellish day with the kids? 

It’s worth the effort. And, having a close mom friend doesn’t have to be a unicorn situation. It can happen. And when it does — it’s priceless. 

Want more articles on friends? Check out these below: 

Why I Don’t Want My Daughter to Have a Best Friend

It’s Way Worse When Your Kid Gets Ghosted By A Friend Than When You Do

When All You Want Is a Best Friend

Things People Without A Best Friend Want You To Know


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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
"I don't care" as I literally care about every sin "I don't care" as I literally care about every single thing.
I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mea Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mean someone loves you that much to communicate them! Love this wisdom from @wittyidiot
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But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

Psss - I am in grad school to become a therapist, and am not ashamed to ask that you subscribe to my paid substack. I just lowered the cost to $36/year! That's like $4/month and you'll have access to all my previous posts, and some new weekly short posts to give you ideas to help with balancing motherhood and your own mental health. I'm learning a lot in school, and will only continue to do so, so subscribe and we'll support each other. ❤️
This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣 This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣
Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon
I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and a dress with spaghetti straps and a Tshirt under it while you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong? 🤣 Life is wild. Teenagers are fun.
Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

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"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

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Mood. Mood.
Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
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